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The Bears' Charter Some Definitions 1. Cuddly Council: A group of bears who became aware that the humans who were running their household were completely mad and resolved to rectify the situation through the formation of an organizing body designed to protect the rights of bears. 2. Cuddlies: Domestic bears, and some other animals who live with humans. 3. Servants: Humans The Charter This charter exists to ensure the rights of bears who find themselves living with servants, and because of the inadequacy of said servants, find that their basic rights are not being met. While Bears are aware that the inadequacy of servants is due to their limited intelligence and profound lack of discipline, they feel a formal structure to guide the servants may serve to improve the welfare of bears, and others, while at the same time elevating the minds of the servants by making them aware of principles more in keeping with natural laws. Item 1 Hibernation rights Bears have a natural hormone induced need for extended sleep during the winter months. As hibernation kicks in when it pleases in the fall and extends to whenever, in the spring; bears will be permitted to sleep pretty much when they like between the months of October to June of the subsequent year. Item 2 Napping Napping is based upon a basic law that says, "When your tired, go to sleep." This means that bears, who tire easily, must be permitted to nap at will. During nap times servants are not allowed to play loud music, watch television, or otherwise engage in activities that bears would find disturbing. Servants are not to awaken bears that are napping even when the bear is napping in the servant's favourite chair. Sitting on top of bears while they nap in servants chairs, is strictly forbidden. Item 3 Feeding One pot of honey per bear is to be provided each week. During hibernation bears that wake up may require pizza to quickly restore their depleted fat stores. Double cheese with beans will usually suffice. In an emergency liquid honey can be poured into the bear's mouth using a spoon. Once a stable state is achieved provide one 16 inch pizza and a large donair, followed by beef curry. Snacks must be available following naps. Item 4 Entertainment Not withstanding the immense entertainment bears get from watching the antics of their servants, bears require intellectual stimulation. Servants must set aside a time each day to converse with their bears. Lack of attention can lead to deep insecurities in bears. An insecure bear is a result of a lazy servant. Putting bears in cupboards for long periods of time is strictly forbidden. Such actions can be traumatizing. Bears do not engage well in counselling as they are aware that humans who sit and listen to others for long periods of time are just being lazy. Fortunately, if you notice your bear becoming withdrawn he can usually be drawn out again with a litre of vanilla ice cream. Bears must be cuddled daily. Item 5 Vacations This is a negotiable item. Some bears are avid travellers, while others prefer to hang around the house. Bears who travel must be provided with suitable clothing, travel expenses and food supplies. Most bears prefer to travel with their servants as this permits frequent napping and regular feeding. Elevator seats for the car are essential. This permits the bears to sit in the back of the car and give directions to the servants. Bears are not keen on flying, but will do so providing they sit on their servants laps. Placing bears in suitcases or overhead racks is forbidden. Item 6 Bathing Bears have a habitual resentment of bathing. Non domestic bears are quite hygienic and prefer wading in streams, pools etc. Domestic bears find that hygeine interferes with napping and feeding and is therefore, a nuisance. Gentle grooming and sponging is possible on warm summer days. Any servant who puts a bear in a washing machine, clothes dryer, or, heaven forbid, hangs him from a washing line by his ears will incur the wrath of the Cuddly Council and will need to be disciplined. Bears can contact The Don at the following email address should servant disciplining be necessary. |
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